uncontrollable

the feeling of apprehension...the thought of being caught...the worry about everything cascading down....the minute the direction changed...it just happened, and now....... there's no stopping it.....

am still here

walking down the same streets
somehow it feels so different
random places
to be cherished always
holds so many memories
reminiscing them
brings out floods
uncontrollable thoughts
swirling in the mind
a blur in the horizon
a falling leaf
so many things are so special
a lot can change
but it still remains the same
it can bring out pangs
in that special place
lovingly given
cruelly torn
what it feels like is known
when broken beyond repair
when ripping out that part
with bare hands
seems so relieving

LoOk before you leaP

an ingenious friend of mine told me that" life is a painting without an eraser", and i realized how factual that one sentence is. this one statement continued to dwell in my mind. the mere truth that it expresses cannot be changed. if this is the reality, i wonder how, many of us can go on after doing something that wounded another being so much that the person gave up on life. do these selfish people want to take back their actions? are they remorseful and do they repent? if they had another chance will they be making the same decisions?
it would not be a waste to take some of your precious time to think about what you do. how you have or could hurt someone purposefully. you could be in the receiving end of this line, and then you would come to realize how huge the impact of just one or two words/movements could be. it could shatter what someone had endearingly built for that person's whole life. you cannot take back the foul words you uttered. cannot wipe away what you did, so think...and you'll come to know how vital that is....

Care for a ride in Hell?

You can sit in that pitiful throne of yours. With all those creases and shadows lining your face, the contours of it that makes you look so wise, you can stare at me, but it want effect me. Neither am I susceptible to the ideas that gaze brings forward, nor will I accept those ghastly actions you hint. You may brood and connive of ways to get me into your clutches. However you can and will be proved unsuccessful. You could arrogantly go on thinking that I am a mere doll that is for you to persistently play with, but it will not last so. It is not so majestic to me, when I picture your face greedily drooling at the sight of your prey. The serene beauty you wrap around yourself and use as a cloak from notorious comments will wear out and lose its ability to protect. What will you do then? Use that smooth slick talk to slide through the grease? And then what?

Epilogue

Coming out of the hole....
Sees all the things left unappreciated.....
Thinks of how foolish the acts have been....
Figures it's better off this way.....
Punished for sins that weren't committed.....
Picks up the fallen pieces.....
Walks away......
Wishes for wishes to come true.....

HIM

"When Love And Death Embrace"

I'm in love with you
And it's crushing my heart
All I want is you
To take me into your arms

When love and death embrace

I love you
And you're crushing my heart
I need you
Please take me into your arms

When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace

Anniversary

It was just a colourful spot on the painting of my life. The limited calm before the storm began. Happiness that was both filled with guilt and pleasure. It seemed like a joy as the wanting and needing wrapped around. The balance between the soul and body made the mind to ease and accustom. The beginning of trust rooted into the heart from the seed of love and grew out to foliage into a wonderful time. It was happiness that i had never seen, a sparkling time that I had never experienced. From you i learnt what it was like to feel, to trust, to take and at the same time to give. It was a new secret. The feeling of belonging made the lonliness go away and then..... suddenly it stopped. Just like the first signs of a tornado the hints were dropped and then it came, raging, crashing and destroying everything in its path. Hurt and pain as such i have never known before engulfed me. Sucking me dry, dragging me into the depths of the dark gloom. Outrageous and suffering from the open, gaping wounds that bleed fresh everyday, I try to pick up the pieces and start to put it back together, I just don't know how long or how much effort it will take to accomplish this, and i have some stray thoughts....

Do I want that happiness to come back........

Am I better off like this.........

Did I really care this much, I didn't realise before......

Is it so beautiful and am I crazy not to be mad at you......

How hurt can someone feel.....

How much can someone want..........

Reminiscence

today was the beginning
today is the end
now its broken all of its gone
how would it have been like to have gone on
how would this day be celebrated
i don't know
you don't know
its just difficult not to think

wOrthLesS

Is it worth anything? And why do I care?

Done

i just know that you were never happy never satisfied and that you never accepted me or was not humble enough to accept me as i am forever i am having to work hard having to prove myself to you and that i care about you and that i am trying to make you happy but what did i get in return just your overbearingness and bruises a couple of scars and most of a constant headache form listening to your whining your shouting your problems i always see you praise others i always hear echoes of my failures and i always found the need to redeem myself infront of you i gave up a lot of things and i m still holding myself away from many things that i want but still i just feel you pushing me away mocking me you never thought that i want things or worldly possessions as you might call it from the way things are going i see that i am never going to succeed in my fight
so i am done fighting i dont care what ever you think i dont want to know your opinion neither do i want to impress you please you or placate your ego

Still the Same

today, when i looked out the window of my house i just realized how different everything is, new buildings can be seen where they weren't before and the trees have changed. i realized how much i have lived, how many hurdles i have jumped. i am not the naive little girl who used to sit by the window of my old house looking out onto the neighbors garden imagining ways of playing hide and seek in the bushes, neither do i have that much leisure time to spare. but, to me it still seems only yesterday i sat the O' Level exams, trying to remember everything i had learned, excited at the same time apprehensive. and now, today i am starting my AS exam, again enduring the long hours spent on studying the ridiculous content, so it seems just like a repetition of what i did before in O' Level. this brings me to this thought that no matter how much anything changes or transforms, basically it's just the same thing. However much you change from the outside, how much experience you get, or how mature you become, inside you are still the same person. i may not sit by the window daydreaming, but i still dream whenever i can.

Freedom

No matter how old we get or how much we fight for our rights, we still do not have complete freedom. We are bound by an invisible string holding us within. Other people control our lives influence our decisions,as a result not everything happens the way we want it to. We whine, shout and try to negotiate to make everything right. To get what we want. However most of the time the fights become unreasonable, we get tired of protesting and demonstrating in the end we just have to compromise and settle down to what we have, to fantasies of what could happen and what we could have. But it is also a dent in the ego to realize that we cannot have our own way in everything, and the fantasies become unbearable and the lust for what we do not have overcomes our resolve.....

Thank you

I am overwhelmed by the kind gesture you showed in thinking of me even for a moment.
It's such a rare thing and all I can tel you is thank you.
No one has ever surprised me like that.
Thank you a lot.
You just made me feel very special.
Thank you.....

Lies

The basic human thinking, reaction and action is the same throughout. No matter what we say, when it comes to the most fundamental part of our lives we are just the same, no one is different. Which is not what I assumed before, thus making it a huge surprise for me to see it happen. However at the core I just came to know that I never expected anything different. All the while listening to the haunting words uttered form your seductive lips, I knew that the time will come when you would give out your traits and bring out the lies making the strong bridge that is being built to crumble slightly. I just never realized the huge impact it would have on me or how much it mattered to me that everything should be perfect. But next time I will be prepared....

Change

Life was a constant monotonous routine until you came by. As a fresh breeze that touched me after being smothered for an entirety, you shined your rays upon me taking me to a new phase of life, showing me a new meaning to it. You became the reason for many things in my life, the motivation to succeed and let nothing despairing into my life. Sweeping away my melancholy you made me special and walked beside me and made me much stronger to endure anything that came across my path. You cared for me in a way no one has ever had and now I pine for you whenever you are far away. I adore the way you tolerate my stubbornness, short temper and my demanding life. Attuned to your hold I shiver in anticipation of your touch. You are my savior and what you can do to me is electrifying ....

Tagged

I got tagged by Glorious so I am also following the chain reaction.
Here I go.....

A- Available?: depends on what it is for
B- Best friend: shafy
C- Cake or Pie?: cake
D- Drink of choice: coke
E- Essential thing used everyday: eyes
F- Favorite color: blue n white
G- Gummi bears or worms: none
H- Hometown: Male'
I- Indulgence: sit somewhere special....
J- January or February: January
K- Kids and names: errrrrr......
L- Life: fun. exciting, adventurous, sorrowful, disastrous, but there is always a reason to live
M- Marriage date: I dunno, m not eligible yet
N- Number of siblings: one small brother
O- Oranges or apples: Apples
P- Phobias: i dunno geckos maybe

Q- Quote: You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act

R- Reason to smile: when i find anything amusing
S- Season: rainy
T- Tag three people: chickyyy, dhalhufeeni, yukiks
U- Unknown fact about me: I dunno either
V- Vegetable you do not like: pumpkin
W- Worst habit: Saying i dunno too soon for personal stuff
X- X-rays you have had: I dunno
Y- Your favorite food: Spaghetti
Z- Zodiac: Aries

Hidden

Temperature soars over the clouds. The muscle are too tired to shiver in the dark. A storm rages inside the skull, beating against the hard rock trying to break free. But what can be done? Just a small whimper in the blackness is the only sound that could be heard to the sharpest ear.

The light reaches out as penetrating fingers at dawn. Is it a sigh of relief or weariness that is heard to the sharp ear now? All that can be seen is a smooth flawless exterior. Some people would envy it, others would covet it and most would loath it. Moreover does anyone know how the interior looks like? What it hides, is better unknown to any soul.

Understanding

You don't need others to tell me who I am. I can tell you myself.

What I am is

A hopeless disgrace

A nuisance to everyone.

A curtain of darkness that smears everything it touches

An excuse for a living being

An attempt at making life a blooming tree

A doom that wastes most of the time trying to understand undeniable scum

A wasted oppurtunity in trying to find happiness

A bleaching effect is what I bring and what i will bring

But I like it that way....... I don't regret anything I did to you